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Author Topic: JOKES (sticky!)  (Read 5291 times)

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snadge

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JOKES (sticky!)
« on: 08 January 2015, 13:31:13 »
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snadge

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Re: JOKES (sticky!)
« Reply #1 on: 08 January 2015, 13:32:12 »

Offline Roco

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Re: JOKES (sticky!)
« Reply #2 on: 13 January 2015, 17:17:05 »
Pic says it all  lol:1

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Offline Den1

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Re: JOKES (sticky!)
« Reply #3 on: 13 January 2015, 20:35:43 »
Thats stupidity beyond stupidity   lol:1
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.

Offline Roco

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Re: JOKES (sticky!)
« Reply #4 on: 18 January 2015, 00:38:22 »
Just visited my local  plumbers superstore for my kitchen rebuild , had been warned about buckled inset sink units ,
sure they had loads in stock at sale price , BUT !


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Offline Thomasjc1

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Re: JOKES (sticky!)
« Reply #5 on: 18 January 2015, 00:53:25 »
Hahahahaha

snadge

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Re: JOKES (sticky!)
« Reply #6 on: 18 January 2015, 14:36:01 »



Offline Roco

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Re: JOKES (sticky!)
« Reply #7 on: 27 January 2015, 11:07:50 »
Oh no  , facebook went down  :o, so I nailed a Pic of my breakfast  to the tree outside

7 people knocked  and gave it a "like " ,

Offline Roco

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Re: JOKES (sticky!)
« Reply #8 on: 30 January 2015, 20:52:00 »
trust me guys this doesn't work , all I got was nappy rash ,and a no thanks honey , 8-)
Studies show 40% of men will suffer premature ejaculation at some point
Expert says holding in urine can control and prolong a man's ejaculation

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2933362/Can-holding-pee-boost-sex-life-Clenching-going-loo-prolongs-men-s-ejaculation-expert-claims.html#ixzz3QL7rHme7
Follow us:| DailyFail on ass book

Offline Thomasjc1

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Re: JOKES (sticky!)
« Reply #9 on: 30 January 2015, 20:53:57 »
I can assure you holding back urine don't help  lol:1

Offline Roco

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Re: JOKES (sticky!)
« Reply #10 on: 12 February 2015, 21:19:19 »
Well not really a joke , but this impressed me much , as Ms Twain would wouldn't say ,
and a great use of the empties  ;)
https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/NkbZlautuUc?rel=0

Offline Roco

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Re: JOKES (sticky!)
« Reply #11 on: 17 February 2015, 01:50:36 »
I know itís hard to laugh at the moment ? ( been without the internet for 3 days ) much to my surprised I survived  , LOL ,
But this study made me laugh ,  indeed can I get a grant ,
ď slowly killing me ?, possibly , but surely not stoping at a RED  light  will  prove fatal faster
www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2955595/How-stopping-traffic-lights-slowly-killing-Expert-warns-expose-extra-high-levels-pollution.html

Offline Roco

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Re: JOKES (sticky!)
« Reply #12 on: 22 February 2015, 22:52:43 »
British tax return
This example shows the importance of accuracy in your tax return.

The HMRC (Her Majesty's Revenue & Customs) has returned the Tax Return to a man in STANSTED after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly.

In response to the question: "Do you have anyone dependant on you?" he wrote:
"2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack heads, 4.4 million unemployable Jeremy Kyle scroungers, 90,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus 650 idiots in Parliament and the whole of the European Commission".

The HMRC stated that the response he gave was unacceptable.

The man's response back to HMRC was:

"Who did I miss out?"
 

Offline Thomasjc1

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Re: JOKES (sticky!)
« Reply #13 on: 22 February 2015, 23:45:52 »
 lol:1 lol:1 very true

Offline Roco

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Re: JOKES (sticky!)
« Reply #14 on: 28 February 2015, 01:29:22 »

THE  LETTER
 
Hi Bob,        This is Alan next door. Iím sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least  now telling in text as I canít live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you, particularly in the mornings after you've left for work. I havenít been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. The temptation was just too much....I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again.  Regards, Alan.     

 
  THE ACTIONS
Bob, feeling anguished and betrayed, immediately went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife twice, killing her instantly. He returned to the lounge where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone to respond to the neighbour's text and saw he had another message:-         
THE REPLY
Hi Bob, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text, I expect you worked it out anyway, but as Iím sure you noticed, my predictive text changed ĎWiFií To ĎWifeí.  Technology hey?!?  Hope you saw the funny side of that. Regards, Alan.

Offline KRW

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Re: JOKES (sticky!)
« Reply #15 on: 28 February 2015, 20:09:56 »
Registration on the first day back at school in Leicester -

Mustafa Al Sheriah "here"
Ahmed El Kabul "here"
Fatima El Bindiri "here"
Ali Acmah Shabeeb "here"
Ali Sun Al En
No answer.
Ali Sun Al En?
Little girl at the back stands up and says "it's pronounced Alison Allen for stuff sake"

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Offline Roco

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Re: JOKES (sticky!)
« Reply #16 on: 17 March 2015, 00:08:43 »
fwd From my fav. Nurse now on graveyard shift


________________________________________
From:Nurse Wendy Subject: Fwd: Thermometer!
Date: Mon, 16 Mar 2015 11:46:43 +0000
subject: FW: Thermometer!

When you have an
'I Hate My Job day'
[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]
Try this out:
Stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase  rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson..Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favourite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer.
Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken
Now the fun part begins.>

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully.
You will notice that in small print there is this statement:

"Every Rectal Thermometer
made by Johnson & Johnson
is personally tested  and then sanitized."


Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,' I am so glad
I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'

HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER,
THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ARSE THAN YOURS!

if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...

Maybe you should go and work for Johnson and Johnson ?

Offline Roco

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Re: JOKES (sticky!)
« Reply #17 on: 07 April 2015, 12:47:55 »

HOW MANY YEARS DO YOU HAVE LEFT?
Watch your age in the upper right corner!
Kinda fun !!!  to watch your age go up and down as you
answer the questions.
Now this is interesting, give it a try.
How long will you live?
This is a calculator that estimates your life expectancy.
It was developed by Northwestern Mutual Life.
It's interesting that there are only 13 questions.
Yet, they can predict how long you're likely to live.
http://media.nmfn.com/tnetwork/lifespan

Indeed live long and prosper , seems like I got the first bit right  ;)


Offline KRW

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Re: JOKES (sticky!)
« Reply #18 on: 08 April 2015, 06:40:13 »
So I'm going live to be another 28 years to be 90 years young, barring a fatal incident.
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Offline Roco

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Re: JOKES (sticky!)
« Reply #19 on: 08 April 2015, 20:13:11 »

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.

 

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