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Offline Roco

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Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #40 on: 05 September 2013, 18:28:40 »
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Offline Inactive

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Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #41 on: 06 September 2013, 00:17:21 »
 lol:1 lol:1 lol:1 lol:1

Love the Irish jokes.. ;)

Offline Thomasjc1

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Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #42 on: 06 September 2013, 19:36:49 »
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.

In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programmes, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Cricket, Football, Golfing and Continuous TV. Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.
...
What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

..................
Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears.
Don't forget to install the Guilt update. If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewellery and Flowers, but remember… over-use of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer. Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Better.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.

In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

Offline Inactive

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Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #43 on: 06 September 2013, 23:57:14 »
 lol:1 lol:1 lol:1 lol:1

Love it Tom..  ;)

Offline Thomasjc1

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Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #44 on: 07 September 2013, 00:45:23 »
Yes that tickled me that one, and the Irish jokes very good roco

Offline Roco

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Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #45 on: 07 September 2013, 03:02:05 »
classic find so my G/f tells me,  lol:1,  wtf I bought her Christmas
card and a box of reduced price  cadbury''s choc's at  Sains,
what more can a  guy do ?, and she goes on line as "desperate" using my connection .I only used a help line once, and got a honey from the Philippines, she bent over
backwards to help me with my problems , been thinking lately of doing a g/f upgrade, lol:1
 




Offline Thomasjc1

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Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #46 on: 15 September 2013, 20:09:59 »
You think English is easy??

I think a retired English teacher was bored...THIS IS GREAT!

Read all the way to the end.................
This took a lot of work to put together!

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture..

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert..

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

 A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick'?

Offline Thomasjc1

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Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #47 on: 24 September 2013, 20:57:31 »
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you have caused some needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated loudly.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'What is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.


Offline Den1

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Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #48 on: 24 September 2013, 21:13:10 »
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you have caused some needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated loudly.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'What is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
:)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :))
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.

Offline Milo

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Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #49 on: 24 September 2013, 21:26:38 »

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'

The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

'I think so. Provided those wan..rs at Jewsons deliver the fuc...g bricks on time.'
:)) :)) :))

Offline Thomasjc1

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Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #50 on: 25 September 2013, 09:50:59 »
A man boards a plane with six kids. After they get settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over to him and asks, "Are all of those kids yours?" He replies, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

Offline Thomasjc1

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Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #51 on: 25 September 2013, 09:55:03 »
Little Billy was watching tv. He comes downstairs & asks; "Dad what's love juice?" His father looks horrified & tells Billy all about sex & why a womans vagina gets wet. Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad asks, "So what were you watching?"
Billy replies, "Wimbledon..!"

Offline Thomasjc1

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Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #52 on: 02 October 2013, 13:42:08 »
For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'

Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be f....d if I'm staying
here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no f....g bike.

Offline Den1

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Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #53 on: 02 October 2013, 13:46:51 »
For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'

Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be f....d if I'm staying
here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no f....g bike.
lol:1 lol:1 lol:1 lol:1 lol:1 lol:1
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.

Offline Thomasjc1

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Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #54 on: 18 October 2013, 08:48:15 »

B&Q JOB APPLICATION

This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to B&Q

They hired him because he was so funny....

NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy bar steward)

SEX: Not lately, but 1 am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITON: Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available.

If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?

DESIRED SALARY: £150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITON HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It was a crap job.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here'?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job – no. On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big boobs and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE?: 7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes. absolutely.

-------------------------------------------
After landing my new job as a B & Q “Greeter - a good find for many retirees. I lasted less than a day . About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting Bognor babe walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to B & Q." I then said,"Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "No, they ain't effin twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7, why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just effin stupid?" I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone shagged you twice... Have a good day and thank you for shopping at B & Q."
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.



Offline Den1

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Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #55 on: 18 October 2013, 09:32:51 »
 lol:1 lol:1 lol:1 lol:1 lol:1 lol:1 lol:1 lol:1 lol:1

Maybe my youngest son should try this  ;D ;D ;D
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.

Offline Inactive

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Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #56 on: 18 October 2013, 10:41:18 »
For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'

Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be f....d if I'm staying
here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no f....g bike.

 lol:1 lol:1 lol:1 :D :D ;D ;D :) :)

Offline Thomasjc1

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Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #57 on: 27 October 2013, 22:15:12 »

Do you fart in bed ?
If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I’ll pray for you. This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning
she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in…….............…..”

Offline Inactive

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Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #58 on: 27 October 2013, 23:39:31 »
 lol:1 lol:1 lol:1 :D

Offline Thomasjc1

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Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #59 on: 30 October 2013, 21:17:52 »
The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees
and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love,
nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its Nest.

Little Gemma at the back of the class put her hand up
and asks the teacher, "Are you sure about the stork, miss?

I think you're getting your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister
just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag at the beach..!!!"

 

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