Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Author Topic: todays e-mail joke  (Read 22883 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Roco

  • Super-Hero Member
  • ******
  • Posts: 2275
  • Gender: Male
Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #20 on: 17 August 2013, 02:03:57 »
Advertisement
lol:1 :o You will get a surcharge for smiley abuse..  :D
thanks its only a surcharge for abuse , for a moment I thought I would be sharing  with Rolf Harris ,

I'm sure we could arrange that Roco .. :)

Now what did you do to them wallaby's? ;)
I only tied them down mate , honest ,
anyway they were asking for it , but it was me cobber bruce that done the deed ,only because his Shelia was away on walk about ,

Offline Roco

  • Super-Hero Member
  • ******
  • Posts: 2275
  • Gender: Male
Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #21 on: 17 August 2013, 02:08:23 »
[bouncy]LOL :))[/bouncy]

OK, so how did you do that ?..  lol:1
lol:1 not telling  >:Doops I see what you mean Inactive , maybe there is a magic Skippy button ?
only available to a select few and Rolf ,

Offline Roco

  • Super-Hero Member
  • ******
  • Posts: 2275
  • Gender: Male
Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #22 on: 17 August 2013, 02:30:34 »
Bl**dy Hell , within 2 mins of mentioning abuse , ( please miss Inactive started it )
I get a gurt great  Police helicopter hovering 100 ft up over my house ,
I ain't going outside, last time they did that in the early hours I ran outside naked
(totally secluded back garden ) to see what was going on , and got hit with the full beam  of their spotlight ,
I didn't know which way to turn ,  :-[
but must admit it's a strange coincidence , ? , I could turn into a conspiracist,

Offline Inactive

  • Super-Hero Member
  • ******
  • Posts: 1709
  • Gender: Male
Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #23 on: 17 August 2013, 02:45:58 »
 lol:1 Big chopper overhead..  got you sorted then Roco..  >:D

Offline Thomasjc1

  • STAFF - Administrator
  • Must be an Admin?
  • ******
  • Posts: 6025
  • Gender: Male
    • The Tech Forum
Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #24 on: 20 August 2013, 19:34:37 »
A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took

her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'

The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

'I think so. Provided those wan..rs at Jewsons deliver the fuc...g bricks on time.'

Offline Den1

  • STAFF - Tech Expert
  • Super-Hero Member
  • ******
  • Posts: 1795
  • Gender: Male
    • myallotment.net
Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #25 on: 20 August 2013, 19:47:51 »
 lol:1 lol:1 lol:1 lol:1 lol:1 lol:1 lol:1 lol:1
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.

Offline Den1

  • STAFF - Tech Expert
  • Super-Hero Member
  • ******
  • Posts: 1795
  • Gender: Male
    • myallotment.net
Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #26 on: 20 August 2013, 20:06:29 »
Also reminds me of the song by Kevin B**** Wilson  I wana be a F****** builder when i grow up  lol:1
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.

Offline Inactive

  • Super-Hero Member
  • ******
  • Posts: 1709
  • Gender: Male
Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #27 on: 20 August 2013, 23:57:47 »
 lol:1 lol:1

Offline Thomasjc1

  • STAFF - Administrator
  • Must be an Admin?
  • ******
  • Posts: 6025
  • Gender: Male
    • The Tech Forum
Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #28 on: 29 August 2013, 08:13:09 »
A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you." Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." Being old school he took a rag, soaked it with a little gasoline, and dabbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said, "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block." The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

Offline Den1

  • STAFF - Tech Expert
  • Super-Hero Member
  • ******
  • Posts: 1795
  • Gender: Male
    • myallotment.net
Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #29 on: 29 August 2013, 08:31:59 »
 lol:1 lol:1 It's a cracker  lol:1 lol:1
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.

Offline Inactive

  • Super-Hero Member
  • ******
  • Posts: 1709
  • Gender: Male
Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #30 on: 29 August 2013, 09:29:23 »
 lol:1 lol:1 lol:1 :D

Offline Thomasjc1

  • STAFF - Administrator
  • Must be an Admin?
  • ******
  • Posts: 6025
  • Gender: Male
    • The Tech Forum
Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #31 on: 29 August 2013, 17:01:12 »
 I just seen this.

In Britain we used to drive on the left of the road.

Now we drive on what's left of the roads

Offline Roco

  • Super-Hero Member
  • ******
  • Posts: 2275
  • Gender: Male
Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #32 on: 29 August 2013, 17:04:21 »
Mis-translated bilingual road sign
The English is clear enough to lorry drivers - but the Welsh reads "I am not in the office at the moment. Send any work to be translated."

[attachment deleted by admin]

Offline Thomasjc1

  • STAFF - Administrator
  • Must be an Admin?
  • ******
  • Posts: 6025
  • Gender: Male
    • The Tech Forum
Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #33 on: 29 August 2013, 17:07:22 »
 lol:1 lol:1 lol:1

Offline thar

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 859
Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #34 on: 29 August 2013, 19:51:20 »
 lol:1

Offline Roco

  • Super-Hero Member
  • ******
  • Posts: 2275
  • Gender: Male
Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #35 on: 30 August 2013, 03:04:25 »
Oz humour
This ar**hole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Carlton or VB?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to those good looking chicks over there instead of you."

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then ... try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday???"

I got caught peeing in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loudly, I nearly fell in.

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Offline Inactive

  • Super-Hero Member
  • ******
  • Posts: 1709
  • Gender: Male
Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #36 on: 30 August 2013, 10:14:07 »
 lol:1 lol:1 lol:1 lol:1 lol:1 lol:1 lol:1

Offline Thomasjc1

  • STAFF - Administrator
  • Must be an Admin?
  • ******
  • Posts: 6025
  • Gender: Male
    • The Tech Forum
Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #37 on: 04 September 2013, 22:07:44 »
He nervously inserted a finger: it felt warm and wet.
"I'm gonna need more than that," she said.
Taking a breath, he then put in 3 fingers.
"Go on, get your whole hand in," she demanded.
He wanted to please her, so he did what she said: he was really sweating now.
"It's no good, you'll have to put both hands in".
He closed his eyes & thrust forward with his other hand & she let out a scream.

"There you go, it's not that efffin hard doing the washing up..!!!

Offline Inactive

  • Super-Hero Member
  • ******
  • Posts: 1709
  • Gender: Male
Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #38 on: 04 September 2013, 23:56:24 »
 :)) :)) lol:1 lol:1

Offline Roco

  • Super-Hero Member
  • ******
  • Posts: 2275
  • Gender: Male
Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #39 on: 05 September 2013, 15:38:43 »

These were sent to me by an Irishman so I can’t be blamed   :angel:

Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
Mick, "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy, “We'll lie and say we only found two!”

A coach load of Paddies on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going. The driver won £52!

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires sticking out of it. He phones the police and says, "Bejesas, I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb.
The operator asks, "Is it tickin? Paddy says, "No I tink it's beef."

Joe says to Paddy, "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife. The whole street was watching yesterday, and laughing at you.”
Paddy says, "Well the joke's on them,  because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
 
Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor. Mick says, "Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?" Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately and the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tons of sand from the Arabs, and they're going to drill for their own oil.


Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year.” Mick says, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?" Paddy says, "Yes, but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

 

Powered by EzPortal