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Author Topic: todays e-mail joke  (Read 21141 times)

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Offline Roco

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todays e-mail joke
« on: 27 July 2013, 00:11:15 »
Advertisement
a dad went to get a hair cut taking his young daughter with him ,
on the way he bought her a cake as a treat
during his hair cut the barber noticed she was eating the cake
so he said "honey you are going to get hair on your muffin"
she replied "I know,and soon I will grow T*ts "

Offline Thomasjc1

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Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #1 on: 27 July 2013, 01:23:16 »
 lol:1 lol:1 lol:1

Offline Inactive

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Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #2 on: 27 July 2013, 02:01:12 »
 lol:1 Nice one Roco.. ;)

Offline Roco

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Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #3 on: 31 July 2013, 01:34:10 »
another e-mail , can't vouch for its authenticity ,
This is a small collection of letters sent to a South of England Newspaper who had asked for examples of stupidity

IDIOT SIGHTING No.1

 My daughter and I went to the McDonald's drive through check-out window to pay our bill and I gave the assistant a £5 note.
Our total bill was £4.20, so I also handed her a 20 pence piece.
She said, 'You gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.'
She sighed and went to get the Manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but we do not do that kind of thing.'
  The assistant then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change.

 Do not confuse the assistants at MacDonald's !!

 IDIOT SIGHTING No2

 We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large'   enough motor on the opener
I thought for a moment, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two..'
We haven't used Garador repair since. Happened in Moor Park , near Watford .

 IDIOT SIGHTING No3

 I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the 'DEER CROSSING' sign from our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars on this stretch of road! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing, any-more.

 Story from Potters Bar, Hertfordshire.

 IDIOT SIGHTING No 4

 My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried Chicken and ordered a Taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had Iceberg Lettuce.
 From South Oxhey , Hertfordshire.

 IDIOT SIGHTING No 5

 I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

 Happened at Luton Airport
 
   

 IDIOT SIGHTING No 6

 When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the Service Department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the Driver's door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door-handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
'Hey,' I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'itís open!'
His reply: 'I know. I already did that side.'

 This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans , Hertfordshire.
 
 STAY ALERT! They walk among us. AND THEY BREED!

Offline Thomasjc1

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Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #4 on: 07 August 2013, 08:48:50 »
Senior Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."


Offline Inactive

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Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #5 on: 07 August 2013, 11:11:17 »
 lol:1 lol:1 lol:1 :D

Offline Thomasjc1

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Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #6 on: 07 August 2013, 11:13:06 »
 lol:1 made me chuckle that one

Offline Inactive

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Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #7 on: 07 August 2013, 11:15:06 »
Note to self;...................... Must buy an electric fence.. ;)

Offline Thomasjc1

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Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #8 on: 07 August 2013, 11:16:31 »
 lol:1 lol:1

Offline Thomasjc1

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Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #9 on: 08 August 2013, 20:00:52 »
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

Many females use a date-rape-drug on the market called 'Beer ' .

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps.

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad'occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship'. In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'.

Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this 'Beer ' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Pubs' in the phone book.

Offline Inactive

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Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #10 on: 09 August 2013, 00:17:57 »
 lol:1 Nice one Tom..  ;)

Offline Roco

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Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #11 on: 09 August 2013, 23:11:35 »
 :whathesaid:  lol:1

Just got this one today
BRITISH NEWSPAPERS

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, 'We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.'
(The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
(The Manchester Evening News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, 'This sort of thing is all too common'.
(The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
( Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled -
'He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.''
( Bournemouth Evening Echo)
 
 
HEARD ON THE LONDON UNDERGROUND TUBE

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...

1) 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.'

2) 'Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any.'

3) 'Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Mile End and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination.'

4) 'Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'.'

5) 'We are now travelling through Baker Street ... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that'.

6) 'Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.'

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: 'Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided.'

8) 'Let the passengers off the train FIRST!' (Pause ) 'Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home....'

9) 'Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions.'

10) 'Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.'

11) 'We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.'

12) 'To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage -- what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?'

13) 'Please move all baggage away from the doors.' (Pause..) 'Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.' (Pause...) 'This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!'

14) 'May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.'
 
 



Offline Roco

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Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #12 on: 15 August 2013, 16:55:46 »
This made me laugh , 

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Offline Inactive

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Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #13 on: 16 August 2013, 00:07:11 »
 lol:1  That's what is called giving her a head start. ;)

Offline Roco

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Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #14 on: 16 August 2013, 23:08:41 »
lol:1  That's what is called giving her a head start. ;)
  lol:1hello:1 Inactive
can't believe London Underground is running that add  :o, surely all the feminists
would be going  >:( ,   including the  :afro: ,
BTW, is it P.C to have  :afro: smilies ,  Robertson Jam came unstuck on that. ;)
Just saying mind ,   or is it like TV that has to have a token number represented ? ,
and isn't  :blank: dissing the  disabled , and isn't  :angel: promoting the   >:D between religious groups ,  ::)   
now looking closer at  :-*  that is being unfair to the gay/lesbian brigade , as it shows only heterosexual kissing and by the heck is  thankyou:1 a pole dancer showing her gratitude for the tips , and this one  :-X reminds me of going to the dentist,
and I shudder on this one  C:-) reminds me of my poor fitting RAF beret , and that certainly wasn't  8-)
and what's this Font face  although I have heard of pram face ,is it similar ?
the one smiley I think is missing is the Gallic shrug for  duno
anyway got to get a early night  :-\

BTW , do I get a special award for the most use of smiley's in one post  :-[,
I think I should ,as my mum used to tell me  I was special   >:D
anyway installing arcade or not I finally got this  email:1

Offline Inactive

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Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #15 on: 17 August 2013, 00:43:23 »
 lol:1 :o You will get a surcharge for smiley abuse..  :D

Offline snadge

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Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #16 on: 17 August 2013, 00:52:07 »
[bouncy]LOL :))[/bouncy]
PlusNet Hub One 5Ghz

Offline Roco

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Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #17 on: 17 August 2013, 01:44:42 »
lol:1 :o You will get a surcharge for smiley abuse..  :D
thanks its only a surcharge for abuse , for a moment I thought I would be sharing  with Rolf Harris ,

Offline Inactive

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Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #18 on: 17 August 2013, 01:56:02 »
lol:1 :o You will get a surcharge for smiley abuse..  :D
thanks its only a surcharge for abuse , for a moment I thought I would be sharing  with Rolf Harris ,

I'm sure we could arrange that Roco .. :)

Now what did you do to them wallaby's? ;)

Offline Inactive

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Re: todays e-mail joke
« Reply #19 on: 17 August 2013, 01:57:06 »
[bouncy]LOL :))[/bouncy]

OK, so how did you do that ?..  lol:1

 

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